Family Drama

My sister died this year.  I was told her family was struggling financially.  I reached out to let the family know I'm here for them to help if needed.  After many emails and conversations, I ended up paying for my sisters cremated remains, URN and for the death certificates - for a total of $1,829.30.  I thought if they are struggling that is the least I can do for my sister.  I flew out to Colorado to attend the service.  My daughter and both sons flew out too.  I paid for the hotel and some other cost to help them.  Flight from MD to CO, hotel cost, meals, transportation -- it adds up.  By the time the trip was over I was in for probably $5K.

The day we arrived to spend time with my sisters husband - he directed us to their spare room and told us to go through boxes to see what we needed to keep.  He intended to get rid of everything if we didn't go through it right then.  And to add insult to injury -- he tells us he is leaving to go to dinner with his brother and sister in law - leaving us alone in his house.  No offer to invite us, or to ask if we'd like him to bring something back -- just off he goes leaving us in the room filled with boxes.

The day of the service, my sisters daughter and son asked my other sisters son to pick up the food.  He went and took the credit card they gave him.  Unfortunately the card didn't work and he ended up paying for all the food.  He had to pick it up and on the way one platter fell out of his truck and he had to go back and purchase another one!!  Are you kidding me???  My nephew paid for the food at my sister's service?  Who does this???  I contacted my niece and nephew and said it was wrong to put the cost burden on my nephew.  If they needed money to pay for the food, I would have done so.  This made me not so popular as they told me it was handled, my nephew was OK with it, and it was none of my business.

Fast forward to now.  Thanksgiving comes and I send a flower arrangement to them.  I know the 1st anniversary is so hard.  I send a Christmas gift.  I even receive a Christmas gift.  I'm thinking things are moving along and are ok.  I'm trying to stay positive.

Yesterday I get an email from the funeral home.  They billing me for $42.  WHAT?  I email the funeral home and ask what they are billing me for???  Funeral home replies it's for the death certificates.  WHAT?  I paid $118 for that as part of the original $1,829.30.  My other sister jumps into the email asking about it.  Long story short - the funeral home says they made a mistake and removed the bill.  Then my niece jumps in and says the funeral home told her there would be an additional cost.  AND if her "Aunties" can't pay for it, she will.  WHAT??  My sister jumps back in and says the issue has been resolve.  My niece says great!

SO if my niece knew the funeral home was going to ask for more $$ to pay for the final death certificate, why didn't she just pay for it then?  Why would she let the funeral home send the bill to me.  I'm so beyond disappointed with this family.  My poor sister.  She deserved better than this.

Today I let go.  I'm not here to pay for anything else for my sisters family.  I'm not even here anymore to be a part of their life.  I let go of social media contacts with them.  I loved my sister dearly and this hurts.  But time to take care of ME and to let go.

Online shopping

I've been eyeing a Yamaha 88 Key Digital Piano I saw at Costco.  It was listed for $549.99, with $100 off if you purchased between 10/30/19 through 11/24/19.  I took piano lessons as a young girl and always regretted that I gave that up in the 8th grade.  When my daughter was in elementary school, we bought an old second hand piano so she could take lessons.  However after four children, we decided there just wasn't room in our small house anymore for the old piano.  My daughter had long since given up playing and I was too busy to find time too.  We gave it away to a neighbor and he was very happy to have it.  Fast forward to 2019 and I see this digital piano at Costco.  I hit the keys and the sound was really good -- sounded like a real piano and not like a keyboard.  I walked by it every time we went to Costco and tried it out.  Last night I was looking at it and thought $449 seems reasonable.  It is small enough to fit in our house.  I think I might even want to take lessons.  Then I think --NO, I'm too old for lessons.  Maybe I could just pull out my old books and relearn what I've forgotten from those lessons so many years ago.  So, I click on it and add it to my cart.  I figure I'll just leave it there and play with the idea of getting it.  Then I find some StriVectin on sale - and I think that is a good buy!  I add that to my cart.  Then I have 2 glasses of wine, log back on to Costco online, and before I know it I purchased both items.  YIKES.  Lesson to myself, never drink 2 glasses of wine & shop online!  So what do I do?  Do I keep it?  Do I send it back?  I guess I'll figure that out after it arrives and I test drive it.  It should be interesting when my husband realizes I made this purchase.  Stay tuned.....

Are you a good grandparent?

I turned down babysitting on Mother's Day.  I offered to babysit on vacation at the beach, but nobody could coordinate a date, and so it didn't happen.  I know my kids were disappointed as they really wanted a date night.  I offered to babysit another time, then my adult disabled son got sick and I had to cancel.  My son is very busy and they live an hour away.  I hardly get to see my granddaughter.  So when I can't babysit I feel awful - especially if I said I would and then something happens and I can't. I always had mother guilt when the kids were little.  Did I do enough?  Could I have done more?  And now I have grandmother guilt.  :(

I'm putting on my oxygen mask today.  I need to take care of ME.  I spent the last 40 years of my life raising children and always putting myself last.  I'm 62 and still work at a very demanding job.  My 35 year old son still requires my support.  In all my adult years, I've been away from my 35 year old son maybe 5 times - funerals, sicknesses that required travel, etc.  The times away from him were not to relax at the beach, or enjoy a weekend getaway.  Nobody was here to babysit my 4 children so I could get away.  AND I didn't hate my mother, or think she was a bad grandma for not being here to help me.  She did the best she could.  Likewise, I did the best I could and am still doing the best I can.

The last 2 years have taken a toll.  My dog died.  My mother died.  My sister died.  I've been depressed.  I haven't wanted to be with people or do anything.  It is a challenge to just manage my day to day functions.  I've put on weight and I hate it so much that it just plunges me into a deeper state of depression.  When I have to do something, I give myself a pep talk to be cheerful and happy.  Nobody wants to be with a sad person.  I don't want to be with her either.  But yet, here I am.  She is with me 24/7.

To my friends over 60 with children expecting something from them you can't deliver -- let it go.  We did our job raising them.  Our golden years deserve so much more.   I want to be the best Grandma and to hear I'm failing was a blow so hard it made me sick to my stomach.  So to my children -- I'm sorry I'm not living up to what you expected.  Remember all the years you didn't live up to what I expected?  I supported you, encouraged you, never gave up on you.  Please don't criticize me and think what you say to one child won't be repeated to me.  When you talk badly about me, it comes back to me.  I hear it.  So don't do it anymore.  Please.  I'd rather you walk away from me, then to hear you criticize me.

Oxygen mask on.