I turned down babysitting on Mother's Day. I offered to babysit on vacation at the beach, but nobody could coordinate a date, and so it didn't happen. I know my kids were disappointed as they really wanted a date night. I offered to babysit another time, then my adult disabled son got sick and I had to cancel. My son is very busy and they live an hour away. I hardly get to see my granddaughter. So when I can't babysit I feel awful - especially if I said I would and then something happens and I can't. I always had mother guilt when the kids were little. Did I do enough? Could I have done more? And now I have grandmother guilt. :(
I'm putting on my oxygen mask today. I need to take care of ME. I spent the last 40 years of my life raising children and always putting myself last. I'm 62 and still work at a very demanding job. My 35 year old son still requires my support. In all my adult years, I've been away from my 35 year old son maybe 5 times - funerals, sicknesses that required travel, etc. The times away from him were not to relax at the beach, or enjoy a weekend getaway. Nobody was here to babysit my 4 children so I could get away. AND I didn't hate my mother, or think she was a bad grandma for not being here to help me. She did the best she could. Likewise, I did the best I could and am still doing the best I can.
The last 2 years have taken a toll. My dog died. My mother died. My sister died. I've been depressed. I haven't wanted to be with people or do anything. It is a challenge to just manage my day to day functions. I've put on weight and I hate it so much that it just plunges me into a deeper state of depression. When I have to do something, I give myself a pep talk to be cheerful and happy. Nobody wants to be with a sad person. I don't want to be with her either. But yet, here I am. She is with me 24/7.
To my friends over 60 with children expecting something from them you can't deliver -- let it go. We did our job raising them. Our golden years deserve so much more. I want to be the best Grandma and to hear I'm failing was a blow so hard it made me sick to my stomach. So to my children -- I'm sorry I'm not living up to what you expected. Remember all the years you didn't live up to what I expected? I supported you, encouraged you, never gave up on you. Please don't criticize me and think what you say to one child won't be repeated to me. When you talk badly about me, it comes back to me. I hear it. So don't do it anymore. Please. I'd rather you walk away from me, then to hear you criticize me.
Oxygen mask on.
